My volunteer work is with small children at a school. I get to witness how hard teachers and everyone at school work to help educate our children. Not only they are dedicated in their professions, but they are also very patient and loving toward the children. A small percentage of school children who will grow up to be adults like you and me seem to have behavioral issues. Parents, I have to tell you that your little angel is not angel at school. But I'm sure you already knew that. Many parents let schools "take care" of their children and their children's problems. My kids are not at all perfect. One of them even got suspended from time to time.
I had to deal with one particular 6 year-old who had had a rough day earlier. He was not listening. To anyone, not even his own teacher. He was running wildly when his classmates were walking. He refused to let me hold his hand and walk with us. Finally, he ended up riding on my back. I was his horsey. He calmed down considerably.
That was when I took in his boundless energy during the ride. It was that jolt of lightning that got grounded through me as the lightning rod.
I wish the little boy much loving compassion, understanding and care. He certainly needs all of them. No, don't give him medication and therapy. A holistic approach will do it for him.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Thursday, October 27, 2011
My Heart's Desire
Shoo, You, Shoo!
I do not want you
You should move on
My affection's gone
Know, please, know
Your warmth sets my heart aglow
Your kindness is flawless
Even your homelessness is pointless
Wish, I, wish
That your life is lavish
That you have success
That you have every bless
Love, I, love
You, like a faithful dove
This is my heart's desire
Be with me to admire
Ask, you, ask
It's not your life's task
Answer, I, answer
I love you forever
I do not want you
You should move on
My affection's gone
Know, please, know
Your warmth sets my heart aglow
Your kindness is flawless
Even your homelessness is pointless
Wish, I, wish
That your life is lavish
That you have success
That you have every bless
Love, I, love
You, like a faithful dove
This is my heart's desire
Be with me to admire
Ask, you, ask
It's not your life's task
Answer, I, answer
I love you forever
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
When Parents are not Role Models
As much as I love both of my parents, I don't like many things about them. They love me, but they're certainly not perfect human beings. Are your parents like mine?
My father is a womanizer, drinker, smoker and big spender. He left my mother under the cloak of looking for a better job faraway. As circumstances and past karma would have it, he married another woman and never returned to my mother as promised. I had two half siblings and a strained relationship with my father, as a result.
Did he lie and break his promise that he'd come back to my mother? Is it wrong? A retiree, he lives on a pension and gambles. When I was visiting him, he asked me to pay for all of his expenses during a trip. I myself live on an even smaller retiree income with two children to support. Putting the whole story in perspective, I see that there are many characters that play in this drama. No one is blameless. But no one is entirely guilty, either. Human beings are so complex. To say that someone is a bad person 100% or a pure angel, it's not realistic. For a long stretch of time, we act and are angelic despite the past action of hell raising by any name. We also reverse from being the most difficult person on earth to the nicest person with a big heart and gentle touch. We each even have both admirable personality and quirkiest manners -- all in one person.
Likewise, my mother is less of a role model to look up to. She uses tricks to get her ways. You can say that she's manipulative. She lies, too. Materialistic is her middle name. On the flip side of the same coin, she's considered hard working and ambitious. Another adjective to describe her is narrow minded. My ex-husband was literally kicked out of my life because she's racist who saw that someone with his humble background and the ethnic root was no match for her daughter. It was too late for me to get him back in my life and apologize to him on her behalf.
What did I learn from all of these? I always tell my kids that I'm not perfect and make mistakes, but my love to them is unconditional. No, I don't tell them about my shameful history which I have a library full of it. They in fact learn about what lessons come out of my wrongful actions and missteps. One time I turned on the wrong stove burner and burned the stove cover. So I told them about it and asked them to be mindful about which stove to light up so they wouldn't end up burning down the house. Another example was when I carelessly piled up heavy baking sheets, one of which slipped down from the stack and landed on my hand. Luckily, the casualty was one of my fingers that suffered a deep concussion. I lost the finger nail. (But do you know that nails really grow and replace dead nails? That's what happens to me; I have a new nail.) They know not to be so sloppy and careless.
To illustrate "do what I say, not what I do," means I have to act and speak the same way. To act one way but preach the other way is confusing.
I try to live my life to be a role model to my kids. My anger can unleash the most hateful facial expression and a couple of bad words. Nagging is my way of getting them to do things versus guiding them step-by-step and praising their progress. They observe though that I'm generally friendly and compassionate. The other day we stopped at a traffic light, I handed a small bill to a beggar. My kids were inside the car with me and witnessed what I had just done. The guy was a homeless person who would go to this particular place to gamble. Did I question my decision how my donation would be used? No. I did hope, however, that that very day he'd spend money buying a meal instead of placing a bet for a larger fortune. It's kinda like you can give them good food but cannot make them eat it.
There's no guarantee that the children will turn out the way I want and don't want. All I'm grateful for that they're smart, healthy, and energetic. Being in the moment means I enjoy their childlike and playful presence. Being optimistic about future means that I'm the one who have to shape the moldable clay. So one day they can see that their mother is a role model of humanity and compassion who practices spirituality and universal love.
My father is a womanizer, drinker, smoker and big spender. He left my mother under the cloak of looking for a better job faraway. As circumstances and past karma would have it, he married another woman and never returned to my mother as promised. I had two half siblings and a strained relationship with my father, as a result.
Did he lie and break his promise that he'd come back to my mother? Is it wrong? A retiree, he lives on a pension and gambles. When I was visiting him, he asked me to pay for all of his expenses during a trip. I myself live on an even smaller retiree income with two children to support. Putting the whole story in perspective, I see that there are many characters that play in this drama. No one is blameless. But no one is entirely guilty, either. Human beings are so complex. To say that someone is a bad person 100% or a pure angel, it's not realistic. For a long stretch of time, we act and are angelic despite the past action of hell raising by any name. We also reverse from being the most difficult person on earth to the nicest person with a big heart and gentle touch. We each even have both admirable personality and quirkiest manners -- all in one person.
Likewise, my mother is less of a role model to look up to. She uses tricks to get her ways. You can say that she's manipulative. She lies, too. Materialistic is her middle name. On the flip side of the same coin, she's considered hard working and ambitious. Another adjective to describe her is narrow minded. My ex-husband was literally kicked out of my life because she's racist who saw that someone with his humble background and the ethnic root was no match for her daughter. It was too late for me to get him back in my life and apologize to him on her behalf.
What did I learn from all of these? I always tell my kids that I'm not perfect and make mistakes, but my love to them is unconditional. No, I don't tell them about my shameful history which I have a library full of it. They in fact learn about what lessons come out of my wrongful actions and missteps. One time I turned on the wrong stove burner and burned the stove cover. So I told them about it and asked them to be mindful about which stove to light up so they wouldn't end up burning down the house. Another example was when I carelessly piled up heavy baking sheets, one of which slipped down from the stack and landed on my hand. Luckily, the casualty was one of my fingers that suffered a deep concussion. I lost the finger nail. (But do you know that nails really grow and replace dead nails? That's what happens to me; I have a new nail.) They know not to be so sloppy and careless.
To illustrate "do what I say, not what I do," means I have to act and speak the same way. To act one way but preach the other way is confusing.
I try to live my life to be a role model to my kids. My anger can unleash the most hateful facial expression and a couple of bad words. Nagging is my way of getting them to do things versus guiding them step-by-step and praising their progress. They observe though that I'm generally friendly and compassionate. The other day we stopped at a traffic light, I handed a small bill to a beggar. My kids were inside the car with me and witnessed what I had just done. The guy was a homeless person who would go to this particular place to gamble. Did I question my decision how my donation would be used? No. I did hope, however, that that very day he'd spend money buying a meal instead of placing a bet for a larger fortune. It's kinda like you can give them good food but cannot make them eat it.
There's no guarantee that the children will turn out the way I want and don't want. All I'm grateful for that they're smart, healthy, and energetic. Being in the moment means I enjoy their childlike and playful presence. Being optimistic about future means that I'm the one who have to shape the moldable clay. So one day they can see that their mother is a role model of humanity and compassion who practices spirituality and universal love.
Friday, August 19, 2011
When Friendship Expires
We live in a world that everything moves fast and furiously. Despite today's technology that enables all of us to stay current of what is going on 2,000 miles away or even helps friends whisper secrets in each other's ears across the continents, friendship doesn't survive without closeness, regular time spent together and help each other out, what we have in common and substance. Like anything else that grows and dies, we grow and grow apart before we die. Friendship is like that, too.
I now live in a town that is at least 500 miles from the closest person on my Facebook. A plan to see her and catch up with her two months ago didn't pan out. A majority of my FB friends focus on working as they're in their prime to make a living and good money. They also have children more or less my kids' ages. But they're not growing up and playing together. We adults live so far away from one another that helping hand is a concept, not an actual action. Even with giving money to support their cause (running, autism, authoring books, etc.), it is without physical human touch.
It all boils down to the fact that I'm a different person when I and about other 100 people became friends years ago. A daily yoga and writing now fill my day. My children take various lessons after their schools end. I'm their caretaker 24/7. They have different friends. Drinking, partying, and working don't interest me. I tend to keep to myself besides short conversations and pleasant greetings to people around me.
My life philosophy has shifted a great deal. Money, a nice car, a nice house, a good job and luxuries were constantly my life goal. Not anymore. As a result, I have no common interest with the people met thirty years ago. A couple of weeks ago I deleted my FB account. Only a handful of friends who have my e-mail address write regularly, and we exchange correspondence (versus forwarding chain letters -- which I hate). As much as I cherish the memories of good and bad times we had together, friendship has its own life cycle. My friendship with the great people ended.
One friendship, in particular, causes me to grief. He was not interested in exchanging regular correspondence and took initiative to ask me to end it. He beat me to it. This friendship suffered a heart attack.
Another close friend no longer writes after I moved away. At the same time she had a boyfriend. This friendship died of natural cause.
I now live in a town that is at least 500 miles from the closest person on my Facebook. A plan to see her and catch up with her two months ago didn't pan out. A majority of my FB friends focus on working as they're in their prime to make a living and good money. They also have children more or less my kids' ages. But they're not growing up and playing together. We adults live so far away from one another that helping hand is a concept, not an actual action. Even with giving money to support their cause (running, autism, authoring books, etc.), it is without physical human touch.
It all boils down to the fact that I'm a different person when I and about other 100 people became friends years ago. A daily yoga and writing now fill my day. My children take various lessons after their schools end. I'm their caretaker 24/7. They have different friends. Drinking, partying, and working don't interest me. I tend to keep to myself besides short conversations and pleasant greetings to people around me.
My life philosophy has shifted a great deal. Money, a nice car, a nice house, a good job and luxuries were constantly my life goal. Not anymore. As a result, I have no common interest with the people met thirty years ago. A couple of weeks ago I deleted my FB account. Only a handful of friends who have my e-mail address write regularly, and we exchange correspondence (versus forwarding chain letters -- which I hate). As much as I cherish the memories of good and bad times we had together, friendship has its own life cycle. My friendship with the great people ended.
One friendship, in particular, causes me to grief. He was not interested in exchanging regular correspondence and took initiative to ask me to end it. He beat me to it. This friendship suffered a heart attack.
Another close friend no longer writes after I moved away. At the same time she had a boyfriend. This friendship died of natural cause.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Beyond Basics
My neighborhood is in an area where an average home costs half a million dollars. I live in a subsidized apartment. My kids beg me for a pet, either a dog or a cat, but I keep saying no for two reasons. It costs money and takes extra time and energy to take care of a pet. The only pets I can afford is wild birds. I bought two hanging bird feeding trays. For $8 a month, I have a variety of birds, including doves, in my deck. Watching them making reacting to one another and listening to their noises is fun.
Cars around here are a good wealth indicator. Large SUVs and luxury sedans come in and out of these neighborhoods. My car was bought used three years ago and given to me when I moved to this part of the country. People in brand new, expensive cars tailgate my low priced American brand car even when I'm driving in the right lane and the left land is open. Maybe they're young ones or the energetic type, I reason. The SUVs are so big that they take up one and a little of another parking space next to it. The parking in front of restaurants and after school studios has this problem.
I spend $30 a month on the internet and another $300 a year on two pre-paid minute cell phones: one for my kids to talk to their father and the other one for me. Another $10 monthly bill is Netflix. We don't have cable.
Since I started volunteering at a local library, I'm able to read more books and stop buying new ones. But the state government is cutting budget for public services so deeply that borrowing books between libraries will not happen any more.
Recently, someone tries to get me to buy new clothes and accessories from a supplier she knew. She looked shocked when I said plainly that I don't need anything. A recent purchase was a replacement for a pair of walking shoes that were too big. I want to get back to fit in my size zero clothes, but my friends said I was too skinny then.
A weekly grocery store tab is hard to kept down to $100. My kids love sweets. Ice cream is their favorite. Meal for me is twice a day with a rare occasion of snacking in between. This may fit a pattern of aging that the older one gets, the less one eats. A vegetarian diet is a thought. I love nuts that a conversion should not be that difficult to make and maintain.
Cars around here are a good wealth indicator. Large SUVs and luxury sedans come in and out of these neighborhoods. My car was bought used three years ago and given to me when I moved to this part of the country. People in brand new, expensive cars tailgate my low priced American brand car even when I'm driving in the right lane and the left land is open. Maybe they're young ones or the energetic type, I reason. The SUVs are so big that they take up one and a little of another parking space next to it. The parking in front of restaurants and after school studios has this problem.
I spend $30 a month on the internet and another $300 a year on two pre-paid minute cell phones: one for my kids to talk to their father and the other one for me. Another $10 monthly bill is Netflix. We don't have cable.
Since I started volunteering at a local library, I'm able to read more books and stop buying new ones. But the state government is cutting budget for public services so deeply that borrowing books between libraries will not happen any more.
Recently, someone tries to get me to buy new clothes and accessories from a supplier she knew. She looked shocked when I said plainly that I don't need anything. A recent purchase was a replacement for a pair of walking shoes that were too big. I want to get back to fit in my size zero clothes, but my friends said I was too skinny then.
A weekly grocery store tab is hard to kept down to $100. My kids love sweets. Ice cream is their favorite. Meal for me is twice a day with a rare occasion of snacking in between. This may fit a pattern of aging that the older one gets, the less one eats. A vegetarian diet is a thought. I love nuts that a conversion should not be that difficult to make and maintain.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Helping Others
A retiree, I no longer make a living and live on a limited income. So giving money away or spending it like before doesn't happen anymore. Still time and energy is plenty around here. That's where it begins.
Once a week I go to a local public library as a volunteer to help library patrons with computer questions. It's not that busy at this branch. Finishing up a book or two or reading up on reference books makes the trip there very useful.
Recently, a 6-year old boy came to my house. His mother has two other children. His older brother has learning disabilities, his younger sister autism. A middle child, he probably feels left out. He asked to stay and hang out with my two kids who are older than he. He goes home to sleep in his own bed.
We feed him and help me with his homework. We take him with us to my kids' after school activity classes on weekdays. He spends weekend with us and goes to the library, too. He walks with my children to school about a quarter of mile away.
The other day, I helped his mom briefly watch his autistic sister as she had to go drop off her son at a bus stop.
Like me, she doesn't work. Some subsidies from the governments provide her with a three-bedroom apartment and paying her bills and gas and food. She's not married to the father of her youngest child. In fact, he's in a rehab. The father of her two other children doesn't support them.
I gladly accept her offer of excess supplies of grocery. I'm a gracious giver and taker. Cannot take any of these with me at the end. Enjoy it while I still have all of my senses.
Once a week I go to a local public library as a volunteer to help library patrons with computer questions. It's not that busy at this branch. Finishing up a book or two or reading up on reference books makes the trip there very useful.
Recently, a 6-year old boy came to my house. His mother has two other children. His older brother has learning disabilities, his younger sister autism. A middle child, he probably feels left out. He asked to stay and hang out with my two kids who are older than he. He goes home to sleep in his own bed.
We feed him and help me with his homework. We take him with us to my kids' after school activity classes on weekdays. He spends weekend with us and goes to the library, too. He walks with my children to school about a quarter of mile away.
The other day, I helped his mom briefly watch his autistic sister as she had to go drop off her son at a bus stop.
Like me, she doesn't work. Some subsidies from the governments provide her with a three-bedroom apartment and paying her bills and gas and food. She's not married to the father of her youngest child. In fact, he's in a rehab. The father of her two other children doesn't support them.
I gladly accept her offer of excess supplies of grocery. I'm a gracious giver and taker. Cannot take any of these with me at the end. Enjoy it while I still have all of my senses.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Letting go
I recently commented in a newspaper article about yoga as an infertility treatment. My response was about how we enjoy the journey (practicing yoga) that we decide to abandon the destination (to get pregnant in this case). So much has been written about how this spiritual enlightenment is achieved in this manner. I remember a similar tale by Paolo Coelho's The Alchemist.
What I want to say is that this spiritual knowledge is powerful and visibly measurable. Writing trains my monkey mind to focus and serves as a productive mental outlet. Learning to breath slowly and rhythmically during yoga calms down my nervousness and anxiety and leads to sense of feeling grounded and centered.
Mentioned earlier was that one particular attachment that I want and need to let go. A destination is in sight. Wanting so badly to be in control of my life and destiny, I become frustrated. Any disappointment not getting my wants sends me over the edge. Irritability is a major emotional state. Fearfulness and tearfulness cause me half of my good night sleep. Crying spells are a synonym of a hormonal change even with regular menstrual cycles. (Note to self -- perhaps that shift in hormones is an indication as well.)
This is a good start.
What I want to say is that this spiritual knowledge is powerful and visibly measurable. Writing trains my monkey mind to focus and serves as a productive mental outlet. Learning to breath slowly and rhythmically during yoga calms down my nervousness and anxiety and leads to sense of feeling grounded and centered.
Mentioned earlier was that one particular attachment that I want and need to let go. A destination is in sight. Wanting so badly to be in control of my life and destiny, I become frustrated. Any disappointment not getting my wants sends me over the edge. Irritability is a major emotional state. Fearfulness and tearfulness cause me half of my good night sleep. Crying spells are a synonym of a hormonal change even with regular menstrual cycles. (Note to self -- perhaps that shift in hormones is an indication as well.)
This is a good start.
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